why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
