You just made me feel so damn special
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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