theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
