i permit you to call me
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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