We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
