First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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