Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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