i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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