You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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