nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
