it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
