Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
