thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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