Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
