He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
