I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
