i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
