he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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