My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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