ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
