My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
