Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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