If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
