Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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