I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Shame - the story of my life.
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