Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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