She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
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