Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
