I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
