Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
