Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
