i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
