We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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