over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
