Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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