Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
