i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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