I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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