I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
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