I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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