The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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