Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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