Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
