Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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