Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
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Who wants vodka and apple sauce
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
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You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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