Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
