you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I got her a Nickelback box set.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
