so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
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i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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