vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
