The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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