in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My penis needs a shock collar
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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