Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He did a backflip because drugs
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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