He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
