matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
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Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
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Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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