I puked a lego.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
