ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
