I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
