Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
