There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
